Reading this was a breath of fresh air from all the other stuff that is out there. I actually laughed agreeing on many points here.
My case probably isn’t special, but if there’s any input to give I’ll take it.
I started dating a girl 10 months ago. She is 22 and I’m 24. She were always the one to initiate contact and arrange meet ups. 2 weeks after we started dating, she noticed that I were receiving messages from other girls, got crazy jealous and told me that if she found out that I were having sex with other women at the same time she would crush my balls. I just laughed, and she gave me a look like she meant it. I just thought to myself “Wtf?”
2 weeks later she invited me over to her family, I just responded with “maybe, I have a lot to do these days”, even though I knew I would not go. The fact that she wanted me to see her family, signaled to me that she wanted to get serious already. I liked this girl and wanted to give her a shot, but this was a little overboard for me and it felt like she were two steps ahead of me in the relationship 4 weeks in and I started to push away from her. (Acting not interested, not going the extra mile to see her, not taking time off my life to see her, etc.)
I live a busy lifestyle with work, business and also as a competitive MMA fighter I didn’t get much space to figure out what I wanted to do with this girl. I liked her and wanted to give her a shot at a more serious relationship, so I figured that I give some more time and see if she will calm down and take it slow so we can focus more on getting to know each other better.
She kept trying to figure out my feelings, and I never gave her any clear indications on how I felt towards her. I knew that she were having a serious crush on me, and each time I showed some affection outside of what she expected, she fell deeper in love with me. Replying “Ohhlord, Im getting all warm!” “My heart is melting!” Her brother told me that she likes me a lot! I didn’t want to give her false hope so I didn’t give her too much of this.
She moved away temporary due to work, so we entered a 3 month LDR. We only communicated through text, and she came back to visit whenever she had the possibility to do so.
The last weekend we were together I was tired from working and training for 11 days straight. She had to attend a family birthday and didn’t tell me that she were going until Saturday night, the night before. She told me that she knew that I didn’t want to go, but I could come so we got more time together before she left. I wanted to go, but this was a damn short notice and I didn’t go due to the short notice. The whole weekend went backwards, and I left her at the airport on a bad note. This wasn’t the way I wanted the weekend to play out.
The week after I started in a new job that I wanted, which also meant that I had to move even further from her. The job I got gave me a lot more time and space to figure out what I wanted. She kept asking if I wouldn’t come visit her anytime. I debated myself back and forth where to take our relationship, I decided to change my towards her, give it 100% and see if it feels right. If not I will have to end it.
1 month after our last visit I asked if X is an appropriate time to come visit her. First she told me that it was fine, shortly after she sent a text saying that she were having second thoughts about our relationship. She felt that I didn’t care about her, rejected and like she wasn’t a priority in my life. She were upset that it took me that long before I wanted to visit her and she said that she it made it hard for her not knowing what I really wanted to get out of the relationship. She were also upset that we never talked on the phone when we were in a LDR. She also brought up last weekend (that we left on a bad note) we were together.
This is where I probably needs the most input: At this point I thought to myself that I’ve been too alpha in the relationship. The power dynamics was in my favor the whole time. I figured to go a little beta on her. I wanted to show her that I cared and wouldn’t hesitate to bring tears to my eyes if/when we meet and get into the “serious talk” since she didn’t know if I cared about her or not.
I told her that I understand where her feelings come from, and that I’ve been thinking a lot about her lately & that I’ve realized that I love her. I told her that I wanted to be together with her and I will be different this time around and that I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve done wrong and how I will do it differently . I also told her that I knew that I’ve been an idiot in the past and then explained why the weekend were all backwards last time we were together.
She told me that she needs space to think this through, so I stopped contacting her. 2 days later I got someone to deliver flowers at her apartment with a short note saying that I am thinking about you all the time and that I have so much to explain and tell her when she is ready. I ended the note with “Love you!” I got a text from her when she received the flowers “Thank you for the flowers, they were absolutely gorgeous!” I replied that “I agree, they remind me of you!”
It bugged me a bit that she needed space to think when she didn’t know what I’ve thought through and decided upon, so I wrote her a letter explaining my behavior and why that caused her to feel a certain way and why this will no longer be any issue.
After this I didn’t do anything at all and we didn’t have any communication. 1 week later she sent me a text saying that she has probably read the email a dozen of times and tells me that I’ve been stressing too much over her signs for no reason. Her work is taking up a lot of time, but she’ll answer me when she can. I replied that I appreciate that, and that she can take the time she needs.
Another week goes by and she called me and we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours. She told me she’s still uncertain but she wanted me to come visit her the coming weekend. We met up and had an ok Saturday (with the circ*mstances in mind) we had sex, ate some good food and relaxed in her apartment. Something were different about her though and on Sunday before she were going to leave she were acting very stressed out and distant. She were on her period this weekend, which didn’t probably didn’t make it any better.
I was planning to talk to her about the relationship this day, but not when she were in this mood. When I dropped her off at the airport she were even hesitant to kiss me goodbye. Later she texted me to see if I had arrived home safely, I replied that I’ll be home soon and also that I wanted to talk about the relationship but that she seemed stressed out. She confirmed that she were very stressed out of everything.
After this I backed off for a while, and I didn’t initiate much contact. She wanted to change her job because her job situation were bugging the hell out of her, and her roommate were a total bitch towards her. She were in a generally negative state of mind. The week after she got back, her job arranged a party, and as the night passed and probably as she got more to drink she started texting me telling me that she loves me, etc.
I continued to stay low-key and not pushing anything, etc. The week after she wanted to see me again, and she wanted me to meet a new friend and her boyfriend. Saturday was good, we had sex, talked and laughed. A little later the same day I said something (irrelevant) that just changed her mood in a negative direction. It wasn’t anything that should cause someone to change her mood that fast. And from there I noticed that just small things I did made her go more and more in a bad mood. Like dropping a knife on the floor made me the biggest idiot.
We hit the town together with the other couple, and the girl in the other couple got too drunk and ruined the night. Before she got too drunk she told me that my girl had been talking about me lately. She said that I was very kind and trying to fix things up with in the relationship.
We went home and she fell asleep almost instantly, she were dead tired. On Saturday she had to wash down the apartment since it was going up for sale. She had to make it quick since her family were having a dinner party and here plane were leaving shortly after. I wanted to help her get the apartment cleaned up, but she said that its fine and she can do it herself.
A friend of mine in town called me and asked if I wanted to hit the gym which happened to be the same time they were having the family dinner. She heard the conversation and dropped in and told me “It’s fine, you can hit the gym with your buddy!”
This was one of the points that I wanted to show her that I’ve changed, that I wanted to meet her family, getting more involved in her life etc. So I thought to myself “Wtf, but okay..” She went to the toilet and I just left. She came running to the window opened it and asked me why I didn’t say goodbye and if I were angry at her.
I turned around and went back into her apartment. I told her that I’m not angry, and asked her if she wanted me to join her family dinner. She said “Both yes and no!” I just looked at her. She continued “I am not ready to get together with you now!” I asked her if she believed anything of what I wrote in the letter. She told me that she had probably read the email 100 times and been thinking day and night on what to do. She told me that last weekend she had decided that she wanted to give it another shot but it doesn’t feels right to her.
We went to her bedroom and laid down in bed and continued to talk about the relationship back and forth. There were no jelling, no calling names, etc. She laid on my chest and stroke my face while we spoke. She told me all of the same things she had told me before. That she didn’t like being treated like she’s not a priority, didn’t felt like I cared, etc. I told her as I told her in the letter all the reasons why it were like that. That I was uncertain of what I wanted with the relationship, felt pressured by her being two steps ahead and always wanted to know where I’m at and didn’t get space to sort out my feelings towards her and that it changed when I got a new job and more space. She told me that it’s not a good enough of a reason to reject another person like I had.
We didn’t get anywhere in our conversation and then I raised my upper body a bit so I could see in her eyes, and then I told her what an idiot I’ve been for putting our relationship at stake and then I brought tears to my eyes. (manly style.. very manly.. no crying!!) She jumped over me and hugged me really hard and told me that she didn’t want me to be sorry. She told me that we can still be in touch with each other. I didn’t comment at this, but I knew that won’t happen.
We didn’t have more time to talk, because of the family dinner. I joined her family at the dinner for the first time, and then I drove her to the airport afterwards. She thanked me for driving her to the airport and then we said goodbye and she told me she would call me the next day. I had a 4 hour drive home, and about 4 hours later she sent a text asking if I was ok with some hearts emoticons in the ending. I told her that I was upset by the situation, but I’m fine and don’t worry about me. Later she sent a text “Good night!” I replied “Good night! Love you!” she replied “Love you too!”
In the evening the next day she sent a text saying that she hadn’t slept all night and were dead tired. She kept falling asleep and were really sorry that she didn’t call. She said that she didn’t want me to be hurt. I sent a text back “My soul hurts from the whole situation. It feels like I went backwards into this whole relationship. I’m at the gym now. But don’t worry about me. ’ll do fine!”
Two days went by without any calls, and I got a text saying that she had gotten sick and were home from work. She told me that it was probably due to a lot of stress. She felt guilty that she hadn’t called yet. I said that its fine and I’ll hope she recovers well. The days went by and I just wanted to get the last things off my chest that I wanted to speak to her that we didn’t get time to when I were at her house. So I sent her an email.
I know I shouldn’t have told her that I that I will be her friend, but in the email wanted to give her the impression that I was closing the doors to create some scarcity I ended the email with:
“.. I am sorry that it didn’t work out between the two of us. I love you and will always be your friend (even though I will not be a friend) and I am sure that you will find a fantastic man in the future!”
So I sent her the email and started to focus on other things. She texted me a week later saying that she felt guilty for not calling me. I responded “You don’t have to feel guilty, I’m at a friend’s birthday party right now. I hope everything is fine with you!”
She were having birthday in two days and I had purchased a trip to Paris before we broke up. I told her about the trip just a couple of days before the breakup. She were so happy she almost cried. I wanted to give it to her even though we broke up. She didn’t think she would get this gift after we had broken up, and on her birthday I congratulated her on her birthday, and told her that she will getting a gift from me as well. She got curios and wondered what it is. I told her that she will know when she calls me. She kept texting asking for what it was and I told her the same thing.
One of her friends arranged a birthday party for her on her birthday. The day after I texted her asking if she had figured out what she’s going to get. She replied asking if she will ever get to know. So I actually asked her to call me (I shouldn’t do that, I know. But she had to know since she would have to ask for time off work the days we were going on the trip)
She called me. She were tired and hungover from the party. I asked if she had read the email, she told me that she has read it. Then I asked what her thoughts are, she replied with “the same as when we spoke last time.” I didn’t get the impression that she were in much mood for talking. So I told her about the birthday present, and that we’ll leave everything behind us on the trip and just go for fun without any commitments. She agreed to this, and were happy about the gift.
The day after she texted me saying that she were turned down for the jobs she wanted which would allow her go back to her hometown. We texted a bit back and forth on this, and then I said, “I’m at work now so I just call you when I’m done!” She just replied “I’m not interested in talking”
At this point I was tired of being beta, and I thought to myself that I had made it clear that I care about her, love her and answered all her objections as good as I can. I don’t know if she understand my side of the equation, but that’s up to her from now. So I’m turning up the Alpha mode.
I didn’t initiate any contact with her after this. 4 days later she sent a text saying “I have a feeling that since you haven’t contacting me yet, that you thought it was personal that I didn’t want to talk on the phone with you. I was upset and really sorry that I got turned down for the jobs and just didn’t feel like talking! Is everything ok with you?”
Me: “Yeah, I knew that. Everything is fine. Hope everything works out for you!”
Her: “It looks like I’m staying where I’m at. I got a job down her now”
Me: «Congratulations! What company?”
Her: “Same place as I work now, but permanent!”
Me: “Ok!”
Her: “Are you mad or something?”
Me: “No?”
Her: “Good!”
3 days later she got a text saying that she wanted to re arrange the flight due to her work. I checked to see if it was possible, but it was not. Then she were upset that I didn’t check the dates with her before I ordered (this was a week after she received the gift) Then she complained to me that she would lose time from work and that she couldn’t afford it. (I know her bank account, and it would not kill her by any means) She said that she was annoyed by the flights and kept complaining that the air companies were the stupidest things.
Me: “I don’t need to hear anything more. I will cancel your plane ticket. The fact that you are complaining on losing time from work is just unbelievable and showing lack of appreciation.”
Her “Don’t think that I don’t appreciate the gift you gave me. I’ve never received such a beautiful gift before. I will talk to my boss once again to ask if can get time off these dates. But don’t think I don’t care and am extremely happy with the gift you gave me.”
I didn’t respond.
10 minutes later she tried to call, I just hung up on her. Then she wrote me a new text
“It would be nice to know before work tomorrow. I hope you haven’t cancelled! If I don’t get time off I will get a self-certification to get time off!”
Me: “I’m at a visit, answer later”
She: “Ok!”
In the afternoon the day after she sent a test asking if she could know what I would do, I waited until 11 pm to answer. Then I wrote:
“I know that you are happy about the gift I gave, I noticed that the first time I told you about it and that’s why I give it you anyway. But I just don’t accept the messages you sent me earlier. The fact that you are complaining that you are losing time from work, after I’ve been talking with the air company on the phone for almost 2 hours with your concerns on a gift I both spent time and money to give you is extremely disrespectful and not showing any appreciation.
Anyways, I’ve been thinking and I don’t see any reason to stay in touch with you. I still love you, but a platonic friendship just isn’t interesting to me. I will go to Paris with somebody else now, and you don’t have to buy me any birthday gifts (I had birthday 2 days before)”
Her: “That’s good! 😀 Too bad it ended this way, but it’s probably the best. Enjoy your trip with the one you are leaving with!:):):) Are you at a point wher you want to delete me from social media aswell?”
Me: “Will do!:) I don’t really care about that
Her: “Ok :)”
This was on snapchat and I got a note saying that she took a screenshot of the conversation. Thought it was strange with all the smileys in the text. This is now 1,5 weeks ago and we haven’t had any contact after this and I will not initiate any contact at all at this point.
I’ve always been the dumper in past relationship, so this was an interesting experience. Let me know how I did and keep in mind that her main objections is that she felt like I didn’t care. So for her to reconsider I had to let her know I actually did by giving in a bit and being beta. Acting indifferent at that point didn’t seem to me like a wise move.
